On Being and Becoming Queer
“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” — Audre Lorde
(Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash)
Last week was kind of a big deal. A massive and momentous inflection point on my journey of self-discovery.
A heroine’s journey of curious exploration.
A courageous journey full of twists and turns, of highs and lows.
A never ending journey of becoming.
I didn’t realize it at the time but my last piece chose to come through — and I to come out as queer — in the potent, liminal space between a new moon solar eclipse and the summer solstice. Nine months to the day that I met the woman who changed the course of my life — and opened my eyes to a whole new world of possibilities — with her radiant smile and her sexy swagger.
It remains to be seen whether she will be a catalyst for my awakening or a destination. A beacon of light guiding me forward or a sanctuary of the heart on my soul’s journey. The first and last woman to steal my heart or the first of many. Time will tell.
But what is true is that a seed was planted on the autumnal equinox last year and a queer woman was born nine months later as spring turned to summer. A beautiful lotus blossoming from the mud of my cumulative lived experiences.
A blossoming that broke me open.
A blossoming that is both an ending — a watershed moment of letting go of ill-fitting identities — and a powerful new beginning.
As with all of the pieces in my Contagious Vulnerability Project, the timing was not planned but divinely guided. I felt a quickening like birthing pains in my soul as the piece started to come alive within and through me.
The nine-month gestation period is fitting because I feel like a new mother. One who gave just birth to a new, more authentic version of herself. Simultaneously exhausted and awed —forever changed — by the mother of all rebirths.
Like a new mother, I’ve been swimming (and at times drowning) in a sea of emotions — feeling all the feels in powerful, never ending waves. Tears of joy brimming below the surface ready to burst forth with the slightest provocation.
Honestly, I could really use a “🌈 coming out doula 🌈” (credit goes to my brilliant friend Catherine Connors for this insightful gift which really should be a thing if it’s not already!) to help me navigate this postpartum/postnatal period.
As with any new re/birth, the gestation is all-consuming but the moment you experience your “new baby” out in the world for the first time is where the true life-altering begins. The moment you experience a love like no other.
I’ve been feeling a love like this — for myself, for all my beautiful LGBTQ brothers, sisters, and siblings, and for the preciousness of this life — all week long. A love that is otherworldly and at times overwhelming.
Writing my last piece — coming out and announcing publicly to the world that I am a queer woman seeking women — felt momentous in and of itself. The expansion that it has catalyzed within me has been even more powerful, humbling, and awe-inspiring.
It feels like my heart burst open and a series of ever-more massive hearts burst outwards, enveloping and eclipsing me in a kaleidoscoping pulse. A Big Bang of love energy.
In this potent, generative newness, I have been reflecting on what it means to be queer and what being queer means to me.
Honestly, I’ve always been queer. Always felt like I wasn't like other people.
Like I didn’t belong.
Like there had to be more.
Like I saw the world differently and that mine was a more magical world view.
I spent my teens and my 20s desperately wanting and trying to be “normal”. Craving the solace and ease that others seemed to find in conformity. And yet never really wanting what they were having.
As the years have passed, I’ve given up wanting and trying to be “normal’ and have leaned into me. “Defining myself for myself” so as not to be “crunched into other people’s fantasies of me and eaten alive” as Audre Lorde so powerfully put it.
Trusting and following my audacious and irreverently non-conforming inner guides towards greater and greater authentic expression of self.
Shedding labels and identities that no longer serve me and really never did.
Expanding more fully into my limitless golden sphere of potential with every transformation along the way.
Embracing and owning my innate queerness. A queerness that now includes my sexual orientation and will likely continue to expand outwards in a never-ending journey of becoming more fully and abundantly me.
I’m curious to know if any of this resonates with you and I’d love to hear about your own journeys of exploring and embracing your queerness.
What does being queer mean to you?
How has embracing your queerness changed your life?
Where are you in your journey and what have you experienced along the way?
If you are newly “out”, remember to be gentle with yourself. You just did something really big and, like me, you’re likely feeling a whole spectrum of emotions.
And if I can be of service to you on your journey of self-discovery — your own journey of becoming, your own exploration of your innate queerness— I’m always here for you. Book a curious conversation to see what the Vulnerability Doula can do for you.