Navigating This Thing Called Life
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.” — Prince
Oh, beloveds! What transformational, energetically charged, and activating times we are living in. Times that are rich with aliveness and all its juicy, messy, humanness.
Times that elicit the full spectrum of human emotions — sometimes all at once or in dizzying succession.
Times that are making personal journeys of transformation universal and universal, collective transformations deeply personal.
Times that challenge us “To Transform or Be Transformed” and invite us to consider our reactions and responses to this powerful, watershed moment.
I hope that, like me, you are finding ways to stay grounded, hopeful, and purposeful in these tumultuous times and to be compassionate and loving with yourselves when things feel like they’re falling apart.
I hope that, like me, you are “Finding Beauty in the Breakdown”. Viewing what’s happening through a lens of opportunity and possibility rather than despair.
And if you’re struggling and need someone to listen and hold space for you, I’m always here.
I’ve been on this journey of Contagious Vulnerability for nearly two years and counting — two years that feel more like two decades! Going where no one — including me — has gone before.
Experiencing wild swings and emotional ups and downs that have tested my commitment to the inner work and my resilience in the face of daunting challenges.
Exploring what it means to be a voice of transformation and a catalyst for finding joy within — what it means to be the Mother of Contagious Vulnerability.
As I shared with you last week, I’ve been having the same breakdown over and over again on this journey.
At its core, the breakdown is about how to build and grow the startup of me. How to chart a courageous, solopreneurial course to manifest my own audacious dreams rather than giving up and working to make other people’s big dreams come true.
The pattern of this breakdown has me alternating between two extremes:
1. Leaning into the audacious mission and vision for Contagious Vulnerability.
2. Retreating into other people’s containers — getting a day job — out of fear that I can’t make it on my own. Out of fear that the dream — my dream — is too big.
This breakdown was the catalyst for the Contagious Vulnerability Project and the inspiration for “What’s On My Floordrobe — A Sea of Discarded Labels and Identities” back in the fall of 2018.
This same breakdown happened again that fall — after only 3 weeks of trying! — and caused me to suspend the Contagious Vulnerability Project for over a year. Giving up on my dreams of being a voice and catalyst for transformation and reverting back to using my superpowers in service of other people’s dreams.
It was this same breakdown — one I wrote about in “The Other Side of Fear” — that came up again a year later, at the end of 2019, and caused me to quit my job and lean into the Contagious Vulnerability Project in January of this year.
And just last week, my old friend the breakdown returned once again, in a moment of self-doubt, and inspired me to share “Finding Beauty in the Breakdown”.
I’ve been looping through this breakdown for years now, orbiting my dream. An orbital pattern in a liminal space that brings to mind a story.
At the end of 2016, like many of you, I became fascinated with the final months of NASA’s Cassini spacecraft’s exploration of Saturn, its rings, and moons.
In the last phase of a decades-long mission, Cassini spent 4 months in an orbital looping pattern in the gap between Saturn’s upper atmosphere and its rings. The intention: to do no harm — to burn off fuel and avoid contaminating a moon where it had recently discovered a subsurface ocean containing the essential ingredients for life. A Grand Finale in its journey of exploration.
With each seemingly repetitive loop, Cassini captured data as it passed through this previously unexplored space. Data points with subtle variations that might allow astrophysicists to better understand the dynamics and origins of Saturn’s beautiful, mysterious rings.
As of October 2018, the data captured from Cassini’s looping through this “gap” had produced 11 scientific papers rich with surprising findings from a mundane, iterative spin cycle through what had been perceived to be empty space.
What struck me at the time was what a great metaphor for self-exploration this aspect of Cassini’s journey provides. We often think that when we get into a loop about something — revisiting it over and over again like the spacecraft around Saturn — it means we’re spinning.
Stuck in a rut.
Obsessing not progressing.
What I’ve come to see is that when I’m looping around a particular issue or aspect of my self-discovery, with each pass through it again, I gather new information.
I’m different.
It’s different.
And my relationship to it is different.
The differences are often super subtle and hard to perceive while they’re happening but over time they build to provide a clearer and more complete picture of something once unknown — yielding insights and wisdom from the emptiness.
As I reflected on the periodicity and pattern of my old friend the breakdown, I realize that it’s not really the same breakdown.
I’m different.
It’s different.
And my relationship to it is different.
I’ve learned so much and come so far. I’m proud of all the progress I’ve made, humbled by the amazing responses to my Medium series, and excited about the momentum building behind the Contagious Vulnerability Project.
Unlike Cassini, this is not my Grand Finale. It’s only the beginning. Books and a conversational video series are in the works and the excitement and momentum are building.
I hope you’ll continue to tune in to follow along as I chronicle my continuing journey of curious exploration and expansion. A journey of aliveness that will continue until I take my last breath. And if it would be helpful to have a guide on your journey of curious self-discovery, book a curious conversation to see what the Vulnerability Doula can do for you.
May we all live long and prosper 🖖🏻🖖🏼🖖🏽🖖🏾🖖🏿