Keep Calm and Fumble the F*ck Forward!

“What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.” — Nelson Mandela

It’s been a week since I started the difficult conversation around white privilege and two weeks since I started doing the work in earnest to educate myself on issues of race in America.

A friend reflected back to me that she appreciated the previous piece I wrote but said it felt more head than heart. She’s not wrong.

I think in an effort to avoid making mistakes, to avoid saying the wrong thing, to avoid conveying white fragility, to avoid centering myself, I kept my emotions and my heart out of the equation.

It may also have something to do with being uncomfortable. Sitting with discomfort as I experience what is coming up for me in response to all I’m witnessing. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable as I attempt to give voice to and make sense of my authentic experience while it’s all swirling around in me.

My friend Jen Rice has a great piece that speaks to this which I have found insightful and helpful as I navigate this aspect of my personal work.

I always try to write from my heart. It’s where the wisdom lies. And to do justice to what’s alive for me during this stage of my heroine’s journey of transformational soul work, I need to bring my whole heart.

The heart that is speaking now — my heart — is feeling it all. The emotional weather systems are a turbulent mixture of anger, grief, hope, despair, and shame. And it is a heart both tender and fierce.

It is a heart both determined and resolute.

It is a heart that feels and cares deeply.

It is a heart that believes wholeheartedly in fairness and equality.

This past week, in a Zoom conversation, a man from South Africa said that his country still ranks at the bottom of the list when it comes to racial inequality globally.

This after Mandela.

This after truth and reconciliation commissions.

This after decades have passed since they began to dismantle apartheid.

This after six rounds of multi-racial elections and five Black presidents.

After decades of effort, they still are still fighting the fight to make universal the most basic standards of living.

As I reflected on this, I realized that the fight for true racial equality in this country will likely not be won in my lifetime. It will take generations.

The road ahead is long. The work we need to do to dismantle systemic racism and white supremacy will take a sustained and concerted effort by a majority of us for our dreams of a better future to be realized — a future where the privilege to pursue happiness and realize dreams is universal.

To effect this change, we will need both momentum and endurance.

I hear and feel deeply the urgency of this pivotal moment in our collective evolution. The need to capitalize on this groundswell of engagement, this massive wave of momentum.

And I also know that if we are not able to make a sustained commitment to this fight over time — for the rest of our lives — we will fail in our efforts to effect real change.

My personal response to this awareness is to approach my journey with racial justice issues as an apprenticeship. To make it a practice. A lifelong practice.

As an apprentice, I come to it a humble novice. Not knowing. Committing to a journey of lifelong learning and being of service. Knowing that the early years of apprenticeship are about education and instruction, witnessing and sweeping the floors, metaphorically speaking.

My journey thus far has involved bringing a wide variety of powerful Black voices into my social media streams to learn about what it means to be Black in America from those who experience it directly.

As I take in their words, I sit in a place of curiosity, humility, and mutual respect. Honoring the privilege of bearing witness to and learning from the authentic experiences of our fellow beings. The privilege of being in relationship.

The voices I am hearing are for the most part passionate activists and educators whose life’s work is to fight tirelessly for racial justice and equality. As I listened to them in the early days of my practice, I noticed myself feeling unfit for the level of activism that I was witnessing.

When it comes to issues of racial justice, I feel like I’m a little kid learning how to ride a bike while watching Greg LeMond. The gulf between our realities too daunting and intimidating. I’m not sure that my commitment to working actively for civil rights means that becoming an activist is in my future.

I’ve never thought of myself as an activist despite being a voice for and supporter of equality throughout my life. And it shouldn’t be a radical act for Black people to be treated as true equals in our society. And yet it will take radical action for this dream to be realized.

As I sat with these feelings I realized that I am still defining my relationship to activism. Defining my relationship to this work. To be sustainable and authentic, I will need to make it my own. To show up in a way that’s aligned for me.

I felt the pressure lift from my being as I acknowledged that I don’t know what lies ahead for me with this work. How it will live in me and where that journey will take me. Whether activism is in my future or not.

This relief allowed me to refocus my energies on learning, witnessing, and finding ways to be of service. Instead of being daunted by all the long lists of things white people can do for racial justice, I am making it a daily practice to do one or two of these things each and every day. To make it a practice.

So, I’m not asking or expecting myself or you to be an activist (but by all means, go for it if you’re called to the work of vigorously campaigning by this watershed moment). I’m asking that we be humanists.

To connect with our higher selves as I am attempting to do.

To find ways to be of service to the greatest good for the greatest number.

To rise to the occasion presented by this pivotal moment and decide what side you of history you want to be on.

Speaking of history, I watched a great conversation hosted by Michael Bernard which I highly recommend. One of his guests, Reverend Kevin Ross — RevKev — spoke about shifting our focus from the shame and guilt we feel around our slave-owning ancestry to that of abolitionism. To pick up the mantle of our white ancestors who fought tirelessly for racial justice — a legacy they sacrificed much for — and connect with our inner abolitionist. Continue their work.

It still feels awkward for me to talk about all this but as a wise woman, Sasha Leigh Henry, said this week, “We are trying to get 7+ BILLION people on the same page. It’s going to bump and falter. But listen to me. WE MUST NOT FOLD. HOLD STEADFAST. FUMBLE FORWARD. FUMBLE THE FUCK FORWARD.”

“Keep calm and fumble the fuck forward” has become my mantra. I repeat it to myself every time I start falling into despair or feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the work that lies ahead. Because in order to effect change, we must stay calm, clear, and firmly rooted and come from a place of hope — a belief that our actions can and will make a difference.

A place of I can, rather than I can’t.

I’m going to continue to honor the commitment that guides and infuses this Contagious Vulnerability project — to give voice to my journey of transformation each week as it’s unfolding with an eye towards highlighting what I believe are universal themes and challenges. My hope is that by sharing my story and the wisdom gained through my life experience, I will catalyze others to have the courage to do their inner work and to be of service to our collective transformation.

I will likely write about other things besides racial justice as I continue to share my journey. This does not mean that I’ve stopped caring about or being committed to what perhaps may be the most critical issues of our time, those of racial justice and equality.

Because as The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King said, “no one is free until we are all free”.

*Gratitude to the awesomeness that is Sasha Leigh Henry for gifting me my new mantra: “Fumble the f*ck forward”. I’ve shared it with many — and it should absolutely be a t-shirt — as it so perfectly captures what we must collectively do.

If I can be of service on your journey, please book a curious conversation with me so we can explore what the Vulnerability Doula can do for you.