I Feel, Therefore I Am

“Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.” — Audre Lorde

Navigating Emotions by Candlelight

Several months ago, I was hosting a Contagious Vulnerability room on Clubhouse. We were having a rich conversation about navigating big emotions. Lydia, a frequent participant who I’ve come to love and appreciate for her wisdom, shared a beautiful practice she uses with her young daughter when something troubles her. They light a special candle and then sit down next to each other on the couch. She holds her daughter, letting her know that she’s there for her and will sit with her as she experiences her emotions. If her daughter wants to talk about it, she’s there to listen. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too. They sit for as long as she needs and when the daughter is ready, she gets up and blows out the candle, acknowledging and honoring the passing of whatever emotional weather systems she was experiencing.

I was struck by the beauty of this practice and inspired by her enlightened approach to parenting. What a rare and precious gift it is to have someone lovingly hold us and hold space for us as we journey with our emotions, bearing witness and offering whatever type of listening we need.

Growing up WASP

Growing up WASP, we didn’t talk about our feelings much less light candles honoring them. When big emotions burst out of us, we were told to go to our rooms until we’d pulled ourselves together and could be “presentable” again, fit for “polite company”. When Dad would lose his temper with us or when he and mom would argue, I remember him storming out of the house red-faced, the vein on the side of his temple pulsating with anger, only to come back a while later with a smile on his face and a bag of fresh croissants for breakfast. We never talked about the emotions that triggered the outburst. Feelings were something to get over, as quickly as possible, in the privacy of your own room.

I spent most of my childhood awash with waves of emotions, feeling alone and at sea. It's taken me into my 50s to learn how to be with and process my emotions and fully feel and own my feelings. I had no idea how to make meaning of my emotional experience much less give voice to it and I only recently discovered that my emotions have wisdom for me if I’m willing to listen.

Avoid/Anesthetize/Suppress

Honestly, a lot of us take a WASPy approach to feelings and emotions. We avoid or we anesthetize…or both. We hold it together until the emotions get so big that they break the internal levees holding them back and burst out into the open with destructive hurricane force. Then we quickly do disaster cleanup and move on. Nothing to see here.

Others of us take the suppression approach, burying our emotions deep down inside where they turn into literal or metaphorical cancers like mental illness and other diseases of disconnection.

I spent years alternating between avoidance and anesthetization. I would keep calm and carry on, serving cocktails on top of the elephant under the rug, stiff upper-lipping it until the inevitable emotional outburst occurred, then quickly regaining my composure as if nothing ever happened. I also witnessed the suppression approach up close through my mother’s tragic journey of mental illness and suicide.

What You Resist Persists

One of the biggest gifts of my coaching school experience at CTI was the module called Process which was all about how to work with the big emotions that come up during the transformational journeys we guide clients through. A module we were told was the most challenging of our learning journey. Our instructor shared that big emotions are like children tugging on your apron when you’re trying to cook dinner. If you ignore them, push them away, or give them only cursory attention, they will persist in their disruption until you honor them with your witnessing and deep listening.

In other words, you can try to ignore your emotions but they will keep showing up until you give them your full attention and engage with them in a state of loving curiosity. This idea is one rooted in neuroscience which suggests that only with deep engagement will our big emotions, and the brain activation patterns they create, disperse. Until this dispersal happens, these big emotions keep us paralyzed in a state of fight or flight, creating obstacles to our evolution.

This lesson helped to catalyze a transformative shift in the way I approached my emotional inner landscape. Moving from avoidance and anesthetization to curious engagement and deep listening.

Feeling All the Feels

In my work as a vulnerability doula and a host and facilitator of 10 to 15 hours of Contagious Vulnerability experiences each week, I bear lovingly curious witness to a wide variety of my fellow humans navigating big emotions, deeply listening and holding space as they give voice to the feelings these emotional weather systems evoke. I start each experience with a somatic grounding to allow participants to tune into their inner landscape and explore the wisdom of their somatic experience. I then invite them to give voice to what’s alive for them, sharing what’s on their heart, giving voice to the wisdom of their body.

Many people in my Clubhouse rooms and Zooms these days seem to be feeling it all — feeling all the feels — all at once, drowning in a sea of emotional overwhelm. When I encounter beings like this I offer this simple metaphor — and, no surprise, it’s an aquatic one :).

Learning How to Swim in the Sea of Our Emotions

When you’re learning how to swim in the ocean, as I did with my dad when I was very young, you don’t start by jumping into the middle of the Atlantic with the intention of exploring the Marianas Trench, you start by playing at the edge of the shore where the waves meet the sand, tentatively exploring the vast unknown one toe at a time. As you gain familiarity with the currents swirling around you, you wade a little deeper. Then perhaps with the help of a guide or a teacher, you go a bit further out, fully immersing yourself but still staying outside the danger of the surf zone until one day you’re do-si-do-ing over and under the waves. If you get super curious, maybe someday you learn how to deep-sea dive and go really deep.

Navigating our emotions is like learning how to swim in the ocean. When exploring the sea of emotions that lies within, we’re often tempted to plunge down into our depths, going into — and off — the deep end before we’ve familiarized ourselves with the currents of energy we’re dealing with. This strategy often leaves us feeling as if we’re drowning, awash in a sea of emotion. Unable to tell which way is up.

My invitation to you when approaching the sea of emotions within is to imagine that you’re a little child learning how to swim. Start small. Take breaks. Go at the pace that’s right for you. Build up your confidence through sustained, gentle engagement before you attempt to go deep. And if it would be helpful to have a guide, I’m here for you.

I Feel, Therefore I Am

Our emotions have wisdom for us. They are energies to be worked with, somatic signals with clues to deeper truths deserving of our consideration. We avoid, anesthetize, or suppress them at our peril and our detriment. I have made it my practice to choose and feel joy in the face of the full range of my emotional experience. Descartes famously said, “I think, therefore I am”. His conscious mind proving his existence. I would put it differently. I feel, therefore I am.

I feel, therefore I know I am alive.

I feel, therefore I know I love.

I feel, therefore I know, to paraphrase Audre Lorde.

Are you feeling lost in the sea of your emotions? As your vulnerability doula, I can help you navigate the big emotions that come up along your journey of self-discovery and personal transformation, guiding and holding space and sharing the wisdom of my experience as you birth your authentic self. Let’s talk! Book a curious conversation with me to see what the Vulnerability Doula can do for you :)